drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
