just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
