You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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