I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
