Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
