Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
