Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
