hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
So squirting runs in the family.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Still dying that you shit outside
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
