You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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