This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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