girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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