I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
