No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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