I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
