drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
