By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
