I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
This house was built for laser tag.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
