Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
two words...techno handjob
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
