Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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