Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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