She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
