i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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