He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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