just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
