so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
