I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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