I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
