Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
