She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
