I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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