Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
