bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I stole a fireplace last night.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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