matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
