no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I can't put those talents on a resume
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
