so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
