maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
