it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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