Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
