girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
