She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
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