he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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