i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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