its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
