I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
