The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Randomize
