for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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