if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
