Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
