mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
