Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
