i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
