Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
